Airplane

August 27, 2017

I went to Atlanta a few weeks ago, for a business trip. We boarded onto a tiny eight-passenger plane, an intimate aircraft where pilots told us to tap their shoulder if we needed anything and where strangers conversed with others. For our flight total duration, we trailed along the sunset–shifting from Nashville to Atlanta. It was magic. I scribbled a short poetic note on the flight, and I wanted to share it with you. 

Airplane 

Ears popping, my eyes scanning the pesticide track patters within the circle and square lots below. My eyes meet the river lines—their origins and their outpour. The clouds, watching the drops percolate through the weightiness of the world, creating something beautiful for bystanders below. 

I’m thankful for the view, snapping a few photos every moment or so, naming the thanks even in the small things: this book on my lap, the forty-thousand foot view, the gentle drops of the aircraft, the chatter of one stranger helping another. 

To the right are a plethora of beautiful billows, foamy and frothy. To the left are the cotton ball clouds lay beneath the aircraft, wind-raked and lightly packed, transparently texturing the sky. I hold on to this moment.

We drift along the sunset. In the distance, I see a series of clouds that remind me of those shared in view with my husband on our honeymoon cruise. I don’t wish to go back, though. Eyes hang in the thick of the fog, unmarred by nostalgia’s notorious spill. Every while further from the last provokes deeper understanding, prolongated past with each mile leveling a closer parallel to the sun’s stage.

 A deeper, richer color saturates our love—kindred to the day’s finale.

Lately

Light dances on the morning comforters, golden meets white, as the sun surpasses the horizon. This always stirs a spark of excitement for the day, all the potential fruition to be birthed, beauty created within the world.

The past several weeks have felt hollow where joy poured out. I was salt that lost its flavor, the bright yellow that lost its shine. Our house had flooded from an A/C issue, one that we are still in the recovering stages of. I had been giving every last drop of energy outward, through people, work, family. With my introverted personality, I inevitably became empty. Instead of taking some time to rejuvenate, I crashed. I stopped caring for myself, slipping off my supplements—causing my body to crave necessary nutrients.

The deficiencies caused me to boil and steam, translating to mis-directed anger and a frenzy of anxiety. I was pulled back into a lot of counteractive thinking, seeking for control. As one who has experienced the hold of eating disorders earlier in my life, the desire and urge for control contributed extra anxiety to my already flustered mind.

I went into a large room with concrete floors and black walls, and listened to a message sung gently beneath string lights. I had a tear stream down with each word spoken. It resonated with me deeply.  

I shuffled home and flipped through some lavender-streaked bible verses I recently highlighted. I accumulated a few to calm and direct my mind when I felt anxiety begin to unleash, or when I felt depression attempt to dampen. As the week progressed, I would add to this collection when stumbling upon another string of words that echoed peace within me. I’ve listed a few of the bible verses below—the ones that grabbed both of my hands with a firm grasp, and yanked me out of the quicksand. 

Proverbs 4:25-26
Let your eyes look right on [with fixed purpose], and let your gaze be straight before you. Consider well the path of your feet, and let all your ways be established and ordered aright.

Romans 5:3-5
We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.

Philippians 4:6-7
Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.

Colossians 4:2
Devote yourselves to prayer with an alert mind and a thankful heart.

Luke 11:36
“If you are filled with light, with no dark corners, then your whole life will be radiant, as though a floodlight were filling you with light.”

These verses have been held within the palm of my hand, recited and remembered when thoughts approach or intertwine themselves with adversity. This practice has my perspective evolving—adjusting a melancholy focus to this fixed gaze set much further into the horizon. 

For every dawn-to-dark has been redeemed through Christ’s death and resurrection. 

I begin making tea, to sit and spend some deliberate time bathing in this beautiful thought—it’s stirred, dissolved, yet lingers. Dwelling on these good thoughts, is when my contentment always flourishes. I’m thick within contrast as now these days are no longer burdened by anxiety, worry, or probing for control. I follow the tea leaves within my glass pot—they intermingle with the boiled water. I feel that although the past few months have felt turbulent, the outcome has been brewing something strong, rising and sinking and to be poured outside myself. 

It’s been a beautiful metamorphosis—I laugh when I write this, for only a week ago, I mentioned to a friend that I felt amidst a rocky transition. I’m now flowing within water, rather than resisting the rapids. I’m within my cadence, my song—filled with alacrity and excitement. This was breathed into my being, long before I was born. It has replaced worry with confidence, anxiety for joy, exposing all dark corners to light so that I can be a floodlight, pouring out to all others. 

I finally feel like me again, a relationship where conviction can gently tug me back into the word. I’m working towards being better, always, yet harmoniously comfortable within my mind and skin; attentive to the small, still voice within my head.  

When the air is fragrant with basil, and when my lips can’t help but smile, is when the dark thoughts try to stick and stay. I remain within the peace, and remember my relationship. For my mind is a dwelling place for the Lord, so there is no room, no place and no tolerance for those thoughts to get further than their knock at the door. 

Update No. 2

Morning Air, Morning Light: Update No. 2

I’m nearly finished a large fraction of my forthcoming poetry book, Morning Air, Morning Light. As I was writing the initial chapter, I found that it was necessary for me to take time to cope, time to heal, after writing some memories. Uncovered were some wounds that I thought had been healed that needed additional care. I mentioned a bit of this struggle I encountered when I first attempted to tackle this chapter, within Update No. 1. Successfully finishing this chapter has been very challenging but eye-opening in the best way. 

I visited my family in Colorado a few weeks ago; this is the environment where majority of this first chapter takes hold. It was a bizarre feeling. It was as though I was a third-party onlooker—towards a scene of a familiar setting, yet I was displaced.  Although I did grow up within this area and lived here for majority of my life, but my perspective has changed so drastically.  I no longer feel as though I’m connected or rooted within its soil. The air lingered the same way, the mountains were still a rocky red with pines scattered across its crown. Everything seemed the same, I am just different.

Now that I have been wrapping up this portion of poetry, I anticipate exponential progression to arise. Extensive essays have been already penned for the proceeding chapters, awaiting revisions and updates. Some of these letters shared on Introspective Collective will make an appearance, but will be re-worked and revised. They will be interlaced with new knowledge I've stumbled across, in both the literary and perspective sense. 

I have recently been traveling through these stories stage-by-stage until completion, which has proved more effective in pursuing development. This has been immensely encouraging and entices so much excitement. Those that have written a book may know—it is a long, patient process. 

I thank you for checking in on the development of Morning Air, Morning Light. I can promise that this momentum will continue to build—blocks of time are designated specifically for this project amidst my 40+ hour work week. This is also why there has been such an absence in letters posted, but I thank you for continuing to follow and check up despite the drought of activity. I thank you, reader, for being here.

The best is yet to come. 

Yellow

I grab the boots with the marigold stitching interlining the soles and tug them onto my feet by the black-yellow tag. I’ve devoted today to venture deep within the forest—to savor the company of the trees, the earth and the silence. To savor the time away from familiar surroundings. 

I spot two thick sycamore trees a brief distance apart; I tightly fasten my hammock onto their solid trunks with a yellow carabiniere. 

Steadying my balance as I lay within, I slouch and look out towards the view. I breathe in deeply and take in the lake full of blue ripples, lined with dogwood trees. As I look up, I see that the tree’s top act as freckles to the sky, with wind strobing the sunlight. 

In this glimpse, my mind is settled and clear. It acknowledges and encompasses the bird’s call and song, each and every influx. My eyes then are guided to movement within the water, witnessing an orange-yellow snake gliding effortlessly until it reaches the coast. The light reflects off its slippery scales, echoing the golden glow.  

I am completely consumed with a joy that paces through my heart, an unexplainable happiness that crescendos within my being. The darkness of the night is forgotten when staring into the day’s sun, and hardships seem as a vapor in the distance—known, but not abided.  

Gratitude never runs out. It is a dandelion—a gossamer dissipating with each breath of air I breathe, seeds spreading and swelling within all aspects of my life, budding the cheery yellow blooms. This is the state in which I gravitate towards; a wholeness and completeness within the joy, peace and love that radiates around me. 

I carry over to the sun and plant myself on the dense, green grass as I set my head onto the earth and close my eyes. Just as the yellow-gold illuminates on the back of my eyelids, God's incredible warmth illuminates within my heart. My thoughts are consumed—communing my mind with his—with my spirit stirring as peacefully as the wind within these trees.

Authentic Verities

Surrounded by incredible love, 
just as the sun shines within the day—
as beautiful as the morning’s aurora. 

More encompassing than the skin wrapping our bodies, 
or the blood within our veins. 

More bountiful than the
leaves, needles, blooms, buds. 

Steadfast like the mountains fastened into the earth. 

Just as the east meets the west,
never ending yet marrying at every point. 

Given to each of us, 
and all of us.

Rebirth

For the past month and a half, I’ve taken a few steps back. I’ve been able to recollect myself and take a long, deep, cleansing breath. I’ve privately penned notes for myself as well as letters for my forthcoming poetry collection—its unfolding has held a mirror to my mind. I thank you, reader, for your patience and support during my absence.

I underwent some great alterations within my tangible life, with a sweeping growth within my mental state. I initially thought that by taking a pause from distractions, creativity would pour from my fingers. This happened, in a way. 

For the past five years, I’ve placed a careful emphasis on perspective growth. I’m constantly working on stretching the way that I perceive experiences, while kneading out negativity. These past couple of months supplied great opposition, yielding accelerated growth within my understanding.

There were nights that came quickly, leaving me depleted from the day’s thoughts—heat radiating towards my eyelids, sinking slowly. When my mind is sore and my perspective feels bleak, I am susceptible to slipping back into an inverted state. With racing thoughts swirling throughout my head and tears collecting at my jawline, I recognized that my mind would remain weak if I recluse. For I am undergoing deep rooted growth. My mind has been emotionally training—exhausted and distressed—but building up and strengthening towards a strong and brilliant future. The process can be tedious and taxing, but the outcome will be filled with tenacious endurance—but only if I push through my gasping lungs and my burning legs. 

These occurrences within this breathing space forced me to stretch out and hold onto my Creator, expanding within His peace. He has uncovered answers and holistic understanding—a quiet, yet boundless forest. The forest floor is densely packed with ferns and thick tree trunks of truth. Mushrooms and leaves from the magnolia tree are scattered, leading up to where the river runs by, seeping hope. The gentle wind invigorates freedom, as I’m amidst the comfort of the all-encompassing sun. He is the oasis for my brittle bones and weary mind. 

This sanctuary and its teachings have been translated into little notes written while I’m at my wooden desk at work, along with feverishly written pages stuffed within my leather-bound journal. By just taking a breath and recognizing the moment at hand, all distractions dissipate and my soul is calm. This is where my strength is regained, since I was never the source of my own strength. 

Gratitude, tranquility and eternity have been poised towards the top of my mind and have been spilled into each piece I construct. These past two months, I was able to handwrite, lick and send out some letters across the county—connecting through an old-fashioned and intentional way. I even received a few letters back, and have sealed and shipped my reply. My husband and I adopted a little rescue pup, who has showered me with such love; I’m eager to share him with you. Greatest of all, I’ve been able to thank, praise, and expound in joy to the only one who matters. 

I’ve been rebirthed, reborn, saved and strengthened; this epitome of perspective has been placed as paramount, and my gratitude never runs out. I am incredibly honored, to have you here, and to be able to share these pieces of my heart with you. 

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I will also be sharing this gratitude and joy through my Instagram as well as continue to through this blog, Introspective Collective. If you feel inclined to follow, you can 'Subscribe' towards the bottom of this page to receive emails when new posts are published on this site.